Adventures in LSpace
by Lady WhiteHaven
Summary: Set during Harry's 5th year. Two Senior Librarians have tea. The Ministry tries to interfere.


Disclaimer: Hogwarts, Harry Potter, and all related ideas belong to JK Rowling. The Librarian, the trousers of time, and L-Space belong to Terry Pratchett. The rules of L-Space were borrowed verbatim from his books. No infringement was intended.

* * *

"Hermione, I don't see why we have to spend our Saturday morning—when we could be doing things like, I don't know, sleeping!—in the library."

"Honestly, Ron, do you plan to pass potions this year?"

"Hermione, I have to agree with Ron on this one. An essay on the use of Jobberknoll feathers in memory potions that's 'as long as it needs to be'? DADA may be useless this year, but I can spot a trap when I'm about to walk into it. If I write six feet, I'm showing off, and I'll fail. If I write one foot, I didn't include enough, and I'll fail. I'd rather fail for not writing enough."

"I realize you're in something of a Catch-22—" Hermione began.

"A what?" Ron asked.

"A no-win situation. It's from a muggle book. Anyway, Harry, if you write a good essay, you can appeal the grade."

"To who?" Harry asked, skeptical. "The high inquisitor?"

Hermione stifled a retort as the trio entered the library. As they neared Madam Pince's desk, the boys stared in shock.

"Hermione, is that a m—"

Hermione's glare cut off whatever Ron was about to ask, and she hauled both him and Harry behind a bookshelf. "That," she said, "is an orang-utan, NOT a monkey. He visits Madam Pince on occasion, and I was introduced._**1**_ He's a librarian at another magical school, and drops by for tea occasionally. Madam Pince just calls him 'Librarian.'"

"What magical school would have an orang-utan as a librarian?" Ron asked. "And can we get one here?" He grinned.

"He used to be human, Ron. There was a magical accident that changed him into an orang-utan. He prefers the form and refuses to be changed back. And I don't know where he works."

"You don't know?" Harry teased. "I thought you looked into all the schools in Europe."

"I did. He doesn't work at Durmstrang or Beauxbatons, nor in any other school in Europe, Asia, or the Americas. There's less information available on African schools, but I suppose—are you even listening to me?"

They weren't. Harry and Ron were busy peeking through the books, watching the prim, fastidious Madam Pince converse with a 300 pound primate that said only "ook" and peeled bananas with his feet.

"The pair of you," she grumbled, mostly to herself.

Ron turned to look at her, the huge grin on his face reminiscent of Fred and George at their most mischievous. "You have got to see this."

Hermione turned to peer thorough the rows of books herself, her put-upon expression morphing into a similar grin as she watched Delores Umbridge approach Madam Pince's desk.

…

"Hem, hem."

Both librarians looked up disdainfully. Madam Pince's staff review with the High Inquisitor had been brief and complementary. According to rumor, this was because not even Umbridge's most imperious manner caused Pince to so much as blink, and Umbridge decided to target professors who would actually leave if they were fired, rather than excoriate her for making noise.**_2_**

"Madam Pince, it has come to the attention of Minister Fudge and myself that you have been entertaining visitors from alternate dimensions, in direct violation of Ministry decree." She cast a significant look at the simian Librarian. "Please do not try to deny it, with one such visitor right here. However—"

The Librarians turned to look at each other. "Ook."

Madam Pince raised an eyebrow. "I agree, but since when has that been necessary for bureaucratic success?"

"Ook."

"The Patrician also has the option of tossing such individuals in scorpion pits."

Umbridge reddened. "However," she repeated, "the Ministry is willing to overlook this violation in return for assistance in certain matters."

"Ook"

"I would wager that this is because he is not himself a wizard."

Umbridge looked as though she was restraining an outburst only with great difficulty. "The Ministry is aware that librarians capable of entertaining extra-dimensional visitors are also capable of acquiring books that are not yet written. The Minister _requests_ that you assist in calming the wizarding world's irrational fears by retrieving books written at least ten years in the future to prove You-Know-Who has not returned and that Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore are alarmists seeking power for themselves by causing a panic among the population."

"Ook."

"I'm afraid our democracy does not work like that."

"Ook!"

"Perhaps, but you also had Mad Lord Snapcase and Lord Winder, and we try to avoid bloody revolutions. Muggles might notice them."

The High Inquisitor's face looked apoplectic as she continued. "In return for these books, you will be permitted to retain your position at Hogwarts and no judicial actions will be taken against you for your violations."

For the first time, the Librarians looked at her. "No," Madam Pince said.

"You would do well to remember who is Minister, Madam Pince, and what comes of disloyalty."

"Fudge may be Minister of Magic, but he lacks the intelligence of an immature flobberworm if he thinks books saying He-who-must-not-be-named is dead actually proves his actions are justified. L-Space is quantum, _High Inquisitor_, not magic. The actions taken by the people of this reality set the course for the future, but in other legs of the trousers of time, different versions of the same people have made different decisions resulting in different outcomes.

Through L-Space, I have access to books from _all_ of the legs, even those made impossible in this universe by our actions. I could undoubtedly find you a book that states He-who-must-not-be-named is dead and Albus Dumbledore is an alarmist, but I could also find a book that states He-who-must-not-be-named is alive and Harry Potter is correct, For that matter, I could probably find one that states Sirius Black personally killed He-who-must-not-be-named and was therefore eventually made Minister of Magic.

I will not give you a book that states any of the above to prove anything, to Minister Fudge or to the Wizarding World. To do so would violate the rules of L-Space.**_4_**"

"Ook," the Librarian agreed.

"You may want to reconsider, Irma. If you do not provide exactly what the Minister requires, I have the power under Educational Decree 23 to remove you from your position, and unlike Trelawney, Dumbledore is not here to prevent me from having the aurors remove you from the castle at wandpoint."

Madam Pince stood to face Umbridge, her face set in the icily calm expression so familiar to the students that had drawn her wrath over the years. "I said no." She raised the intensity of her voice to cut off the other woman's protests, but the volume never rose above the quiet tones used by librarians throughout the multiverse. "And you do not have the authority to remove so much as a book from this library. Under the Magical Libraries Act of 1327, the Ministry of Magic cannot compel Senior Librarians of Time and Space to violate the rules of L-Space. Furthermore, the position of librarian at Hogwarts must be filled by a Senior Librarian of Time and Space, of which I am the only one in Britain at present. Furthermore, this Act specifies that a Senior Librarian of Time and Space can only be removed from her position by the other Senior Librarians, not by any act of the Ministry, and she has full control of the selection of her successor."

"Educational Decree 23 gives me the power to fire staff members. It overrules some fourteenth century act that neither I nor the Minister has ever heard of."

"Educational Decree 23 was issued by the Minister acting alone, and is therefore insufficient to overturn the Act. It specifically requires the unanimous consent of the Wizards Council to repeal, and the Magical Government Transitions Act of 1644 specified that any law that required the unanimous consent of the Wizards Council to modify would henceforth require the consent of the Minister of Magic and every member of the Wizengamot."

"That doesn't change the fact that neither I nor the Minister has ever heard of it!"

"Check the archives. It's there**_5_**."

Umbridge's rage returned. "I—The Ministry will not be dictated to by a jumped-up book shelver and a monkey!"

…

From their refuge behind a bookshelf, Hermione winced and turned away while Harry and Ron watched in rapt fascination as the Librarian violently demonstrated exactly why Hermione had earlier stopped Ron from using the M-word.

"Warrington made the mistake of calling the Librarian a monkey our third week back. Remember his 'quidditch injury'?"

Ron looked at Hermione in shock. "But he spent 2 weeks in the hospital wing!"

The Librarian and Umbridge had moved beyond their line of sight, but the occasional ook and loud crash indicated that the Librarian was still educating Umbridge on the differences between the subfamily Ponginae and the various breeds of primate popularly referred to by the word monkey.

"The Librarian doesn't like to be called a monkey," Hermione replied calmly. "And Warrington didn't try to break the rules of L-Space. I doubt he'll be as kind to Professor Umbridge."

1 While normally not one to observe social niceties, Madam Pince made an effort to reach out to potential Senior Librarians.

2 Another rumor stated that Madam Pince despised grubby-handed students messing about with**_3_** her books, and so contrived to keep them out of the students' hands, and the Ministry approved of any attempt to block students from getting actual knowledge, and she would have passed the inspection for that reason alone had she been He-who-must-not-be-named. This theory gained popularity after the announcement of educational decrees twenty-six and twenty-seven.

3 Messing about with = reading

4 These are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned by the last date stamped; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality.

5 It was, as a hasty Ministry search confirmed.**_6_**

6 A second, closer examination by the Head Archivist determined that while the materials, inks, and writing were accurate for the period, he was quite certain the Act had not been in the Archives the week before, and the document showed signs of having been artificially aged. He also found a banana peel on top of the cabinet. However, Minister Fudge neglected to read his report on the subject.


End file.
